Hashtag #Control Freak
10 years ago, if someone tried to tell me that I was a control freak, I would have vehemently denied it. I let my kids climb the highest trees, didn’t I?!!! I didn’t make them wear their shoes outside, or hover over them when it was cold. The bills and budgeting weren’t under my control. There was dirt under my couches, and the sheets didn’t get changed as often as they ought.
And then life got hard, really, really hard. Our finances tanked, our oldest son chose a prodigal path, we moved after living in the same area for almost twenty years, and my marriage was the most challenging it had ever been up to that point. You see, when life is easy, or at least easier, the control freak in me looked mild. It showed its ugly head in mild ways but was relatively unrecognizable to me.
And since I didn’t learn my lesson very well, after a couple of years of recovery, the Lord saw fit to allow me another opportunity to grow. When I use the words, “the Lord saw fit,” I am not being sarcastic, bitter, or complaining. My mom had open heart surgery and in the process, she had a small stroke that would change her life, and mine, forever. My mom would no longer be able to live on her own. My daughter and I spent several weeks sorting through her things, packing up what we thought she could and would use, and selling or donating the rest.
A mere three months after my mom moved in with my family, my 48-year-old husband had a massive stroke.
The Bad News
We sometimes think that to be a control freak means that you actually control everything. More often than not, the need or desire to be in control shows up in our attitudes when we are not in control.
Maybe, in the end, we are all control freaks in need of Jesus. We want to play “god” and have a say in how everything should go, but in the end, we have very little control, except where our own attitude and actions are concerned. And even that bit of control is a gift from God.
I couldn’t control the economy when it plummeted in 2008, nor how it would affect our own business. I couldn’t control my son’s desire to see what the world had to offer as he became a young adult. I couldn’t control my husband and make him treat me the way that I thought he should when our lives were turned upside down.
What I could do, and frankly did not do well, is control my attitude. When life gets hard, do you stress? I sure did. I convinced myself that it was reasonable. I had gone through too much to be expected to respond well. I worried about our finances and how we would recover. I worried about not only our son but all the kids coming behind him. I worried about how others would view our difficulties. I worried that my once strong marriage would never recover. I felt stuck and acted stuck.
I found that for the first time I struggled with ongoing depression. I couldn’t control all of those things that were plaguing me. But I wanted to.so.very.bad.
The Good News
Now that I have painted a very bleak picture, I will share the good news. Even though we often can’t change the circumstances of our lives, we can change how we respond to them. We can take action. And we can influence others. Notice that we can’t control others, but we can influence them.
As I said above, I did not learn my lesson very well during the ongoing season of stress and difficulty several years ago. When my mom had her stroke and I had to figure out how to move her, take care of all her finances and medical care, find renters for her home as well as continue to try to sell it, find a new rental for our very large family, I did not handle the stress very well. I lost my joy and was serious most of the time. Anyone with children knows that that doesn’t go over very well.
When my husband had his stroke, which should have been the most stressful thing ever, I threw up my hands and gave up. No, not as in I can’t take any more. Although that did cross my mind. I finally gave up control. I certainly couldn’t control my husband and his rehabilitation. I couldn’t keep homeschooling my kids, at least not with a lot of hands-on oversight. I could not take on extra responsibilities that I might have otherwise been tempted to take on.
I had one big job to focus on, and that was to be there for my husband. I spent most of my time for the first few weeks at the rehabilitation center with him. Then, for several months I went to all of his rehab appointments and doctors appointments, both because he needed me with him and because he couldn’t drive. I fixed special food for the healing of his brain and body. What little time wasn’t focused on him was devoted to my kids.
And do you know what? For the first time in years it seemed, I was at peace. Does that mean that I didn’t break down and cry? Of course not. Does that mean that I never worried or stressed over aspects of our lives? No way! But the overall sense of security that I had in knowing that God’s hand was with us was overwhelming. The knowledge that He was in control of even the minutest detail soothed my soul on a daily basis.
My life’s verse has become Proverbs 3:5-8. It says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. 7 Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. 8 It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
It is when I lean on my own understanding that I get into trouble every time. God truly is in control and His plan is better than mine will ever be. Am I glad for the trials these last years have brought? Not exactly, but as I have learned to rest in the Lord and accept all things as being from His hand, I have found a peace that is beyond my understanding.
If you have walked through the fire of trial and suffering, please share below so that we can encourage one another to walk through these journeys in faith and hope.
